Crass Joke from The Sopranos

A guy walks into the house with a duck under his arm.

He meets his wife in the kitchen and says, "this is the pig I've been fucking."

His wife says, "that's not a pig, it's a duck."

He says, "I wasn't talking to you."

New Year's Perverse Discussion

So, we are riding home from downtown Raleigh. Eight people in a Honda Pilot; six drunk, one with a few beers in him (me, not a prude, just thought I'd have to drive), one sober driver (praise be to the Invisible Pink Unicorn!).

Somehow, the topic turned to the hot carl. The woman who brought it up said she wouldn't do it, but won't judge. "Life is short," she said. This led one of the more sober passengers to the following t-shirt idea.

An old priest joke.

A priest and his friend, a protestant minister, wanted to play golf one day, but the priest complained he had to take confessions. There were so many people waiting, he knew it would take all day.

His friend said, "hey, I'm a man of the cloth. I'll take confession too and we can get out by lunchtime. Just tell me what to do."

The priest explained that people would come in and tell him their sins, then you look at the sin-to-penance chart to see what penance to give them.

So, first a man comes in and said he lied to his wife. Easy, five hail marys. Next a teen who took money from his mother's purse. Three rosaries. This went on for a while. "This is easy," the minister thought.

Then a young woman came in and said she gave her boyfriend a blow job. The minister looked at the chart, but there was no entry for a blow job. He looked out the confessional door for the priest, but did not see him. He saw an altar boy and called him over.

"Hey kid. What do you get for a blow job?" the minister asked.

"Well," the altar boy thought, "usually a plate of cookies."

A Crass Joke

I forget where this came from... some webcomic.

Q: What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and vagina?

A: Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

An Abstinence Only Sex Education Parable

A young lady was about to get married. Her mother came to talk to her and explain some things about marriage.

"I taught you everything you needed to know about sex, right?" mom asked.

"Yes, momma. You said not to do it," her daughter replied.

"Well now that you are getting married, you can have sex. There is one thing you need to know. Do you know what sodomy is?" the mother asked.

"Just that it is a sin," the daughter replied.

"That's right. Now, some men like sodomy. If your husband ever asks you to 'roll over', you tell him no," the mother explained.

Sure enough, after a year of marriage, the girls husband climbed into bed and said, "tonight honey, I want you to roll over."

"Oh no! My momma said this would happen, and I don't have to!" the girl exclaimed.

"Okay," he replied calmly, "I just figured you might want to have a baby."